Obama, Ethics and Still (thankfully) Pregnant

So...I haven't posted in a while, but last week was a very hectic, crazy, important and stressful week for me.

1st...Obama is our president elect. For this I am very excited. While he may not have been my first choice, he was by no means the worst choice. I am excited to see what he will do for our country, our families and our lives. One of my Professors said we should get a newspaper and save the headlines (which of course I forgot to do...which makes me very upset...so if anyone knows a link to a good story about it, please send it to me) because when our children are grown it will not be as momentous for them as it is for us. A black man is President...who would have believed it?? I hope that for my baby this feat seems as natural and right as Loving v. Virginia seems to me (whites and blacks can marry for my non-law school friends :D). My hopes for President Obama is to make this world a happier, less scary place for my child. I know that since becoming pregnant it has been on my mind more than once....what kind of world am I bring a child into? Anyway, time will tell and we're really excited.

Also, I found out that if you send a birth announcement to the President they send you a card for congratulations...I am totally going to do this for my baby...since his/her mother can't manage to buy a newspaper to mark the occasion :D

2nd The PR exam and the MPRE were last Friday and Saturday respectively. The PR exam may not have been so bad were it not for sitting in a windowless room when a pre-filled air temperature of 85 degrees. I have never been so miserable in all my life. I tried to drink water and splash water on my face...but its so incredibly difficult to concentrate on an ethics conflict between an insurance company and the insured person when you're worried about cooking your baby in your belly from the heat. Sigh....so anyway, I did my best and that's all you can really ask for right? RIGHT???!!!! :D

The MPRE was much harder than I expected. I am hoping to do well enough to take my score anywhere...I just wished that the practice exams and my classmates would have warned me that it would be so difficult! I am just going to pretend that the questions I didn't know were the test questions that didn't count anyhow!

3rd This week has been a difficult pregnant week for me. I feel like my stomach has grown tremendously and everything is becoming more difficult to do. Forget about tying my sneakers! Its just not going to happen!! Its getting harder to sleep and I am just so tired...but things are still good, the baby moves all time and other than my minor complaints there really isn't too much going on.

The next few weeks will be busy, busy, busy, but also fun and exciting! I can't wait!

Today has been a little stressful.

We had class pictures and they are always stressful for me. I can't stand getting my picture taken, no matter how old I am!

Plus, the MPRE and the Professional Responsibility exam are coming way too fast. I feel like I haven't done any studying. AND my Law and Lit paper is due. No fun.

Anyway, that's not even the worst part. I was feeling yucky earlier and felt like I might be having some contractions (totally not good, but I thought maybe it was dehydration). Anyway, even after lots of water, things still weren't feeling so good, so I called my mom.

She suggested that I have a bath, relax (yeah right!) and if it doesn't get better I have to go to the doctor. Sigh. I really wish I didn't stress myself out so much.

Its so hard though, being pregnant makes you TIRED! I mean, really, truly, bone renching tired. Its so hard to be able to get anything done. Oh well, really and truly baby comes first.

I just need to find a good balance. I know I am not the only law student freaking out right now, I just need to be able to focus and relax. Easier said than done, but I am definitely gonna give it a try.

My Favorite Holiday

CHRISTMAS!!!!!

Today, Christmas seems to be on people's minds (and on tv) so I thought it would appropriate for me to write about how I feel about Christmas.

Most people love Christmas because it means presents (at least, I think that's why most kids love it).

For me its something so much more. I love the feeling that comes with Christmas, the thoughts of family gathered around a fireplace, the stockings hung on the chimney with care :), the snow (hopefully) falling outside, hot chocolate, Santa, Carolers, decorations...so many things.

I was watching tv and saw a commercial for Branson, MO. The commercial plays, Its the Most Wonderful Time of the Year...I got all teary eyed (I am assuming mainly because my pregnancy hormones are raging!) and I got that feeling in my heart that reminds me of how much I love Christmas.

I think I love Christmas so much because of the way my childhood. There were many years when I longed the stability and kind of family life that existed in the songs and carols that permeate the holiday season.

And then, one day, I had it! And ever since then, Christmas has been so special. I feel like a little kid every Christmas, I love giving presents, I love receiving presents (who doesn't but its so nice to have friends and family who love you enough to give you a gift) and I love being close to my family in a way we aren't at other times of the year.

So I was thinking about how I hope to convey this to my child as well. I hope that in the future, Christmas is so magical for him or her that they feel the same way I do about it now and forever. I can't wait to buy Christmas presents for my baby and play Santa. Its such an amazing thought! I hope that I pass down our family traditions and that they last long after I am gone...

So really I love Christmas and I can't wait for Christmas this year :D

So tired.

This week has just been crazy and its only tuesday.

Currently, I am sitting here trying to avoid all the really important things I really must do this week. Tonight actually.

So as I contemplate how to read for classes, study for PR and the MPRE and maybe relax a little (yeah right!) I am beginning to wonder if I am really going to be able to make it next semester.

I mean seriously. I am so tired and my baby to be is living in his/her mommy to be. Currently that doesn't require much outside thought/work from me (except the not so occasional, I really shouldnt' be eating this...did I take my vitamin today?...this pain doesn't seem right).

So. Can I actually manage to go to class at night and take care of a newborn during the day? An interesting question.

Anyway, I know it will be just fine...I'll make it work, I always make it work. But I am a new mommy to be and its my job to worry. So I am worrying about how its going to work and how M and I are going to manage. Its going to be hard, but something tells me that looking at my sweet little baby's face will make it all worth it. I can't wait!!!!!

Crazy Pregnancy Hormones!

So yesterday was a friend's baby shower. It was so cute!! She's looking just awesome!! Her belly is big and she's just glowing with being pregnant. It was such a fun time hanging out with a bunch of girls and another pregnant girl.

So why did I come home and cry? Honestly I have no idea, so I am just going to chalk it up to my raging pregnancy hormones. I have felt the last few days I have been unusually happy. Generally I am pretty content, but lately I have been feeling actually HAPPY, so maybe this was just the crash from the elatedness.

Anyway, I would also say that part of it has to do with how crazy life feels right now. I feel like there are not enough hours in the day in which I feel well enough to do anything.

My day starts, I feel refreshed and ready to go...then I do one or two things and end up so tired I need a nap. So of course I sleep for two hours. Awesome. Its just a vicious cycle. If its a school day, I barely have energy to eat dinner when I come home, much less do all the things I really, really need to do.

Currently there are a few things that REALLY, REALLY, need to get done. But here is my current list of things to do.

1. Study for the Professional Responsibility exam
2. Study for the MPRE
3. Email Professors about next semester's classes
4. Print off ultrasound and pregnancy pics to send to family
5. Write and send out Thank You notes for my birthday presents (which was the 17th of Sept....so yeah, I am really behind on that)
6. Organize the room my mother has to sleep in tomorrow night
7. All the reading for my other classes
8. Try to at least finish a draft for my Law and Lit paper
9. Work on my baby's scrapbook
10. Write in my pregnancy journal
11. Read birthing from within
12. Finish reading outlines for the Chalk Talks I was supposed to do last week
13. Lots of other things I cant' remember right now.

Sigh. Life is really busy right now. I really can't wait until Nov. 9. I will only have 2 of my classes left that require work and 3 that are basically finished.

I really hate feeling like this. I just commented on a friend's blog how I am trying to "live in the moment" and here I am writing a post about how I can't wait for the next 3 weeks to be over with. Ugh. So anyway, before I get myself depressed, I am getting off here and doing something more productive.

My First Pregnancy Rant

I haven't posted in a while but school has been so crazy. Anyway...I would just like to express my feelings regarding my pregnancy and strangers.

In general, I am very open to advice about pregnancy, birthing, parenting, and other related issues because I am a first time mom and its very scary to realize how blindly we go into likely the most important job of my life.

That being said. Advice from strangers can be really annoying. Take for example my recent trip to the store.

The weather recently has gotten chilly. Not jacket chilly per se, but chilly at least in the mornings. I have been trying to fit into some of my sweaters to combat the 50 degree mornings. I decided that I didnt' like the idea of stretching out all my pre-pregnancy sweaters so I decided to go shopping for a maternity or new, bigger sweater.

After searching ALL the stores in town that sell maternity clothes and some that don't, I was not pleased at the selection of sweaters. Admittedly I am a cheapskate and I don't want to pay $45 for a sweater. So I get home and have a coupon to Fashion Bug in my mailbox.

I am excited because Fashion Bug has alot of plus size clothes, they are usually a season ahead and its right across the street from my house.

So I find a sweater. $30 then I have a $10 off coupon. A price I can totally handle. So I am checking out and the lady at the counter asks if I tried on their new jeans. I politely say, I am pregnant so I really can't wear regular jeans. She looks at me and says:

"Why do you want this sweater then? You won't need it."

I (again politely) explain that in the mornings when I go to work, its pretty chilly and not appropriate to wear a t-shirt. She again says:

"Really, you won't need a sweater, you'll be so hot cause your pregnant, I was sooo hot when I was pregnant"

I just look at her and say, "Yes, so I hear, Can I please pay for my sweater??"

UGH!! Seriously! I mean, I understand that come December and January when I am 8 and 9 months pregnant I probably won't need a heavy coat. But at my current 5 and a half months...I need a sweater DAMN IT!!

I really wanted to let Pregzilla out and yell "JUST LET ME BUY THE DAMN SWEATER!!!!"

Finally she let me buy it, but geesh! Its almost as bad as the looks I get for carrying a starbucks coffee cup (HELLO! They also sell hot chocolate and DECAF!!)

Anyway, I haven't really encountered too much of this so far, but I have a feeling, its only the beginning

:D

Happy Birthday to ME!

So Today is my Birthday. I love my birthday. I am not sure why I still think my birthday is the greatest day in the whole year. Yes, its a little childish, Yes, its really not that great to everyone else...but its fun to have a day to me!

So...my day started out awesome, my 9 am class was canceled and I got to sleep in...yay! Then I just spent the rest of the day doing the normal things of my life. But M did get me a card and some chocolates (I got my real present-the camcorder- on Saturday).

But here's the real reason for the post. I realized, that I am officially old.

I have been struggling with the fact that I feel too young to be a mother. I am still in school, I have never had a real "career" type job.

But I realized, 25 is not really that young. I am no longer in my "early 20's" I am officially in my mid-twenties.

I know this is silly, 25 isn't really old, but it feels that way. 25 always sounded so far away and very "adult" and all of a sudden here I am! I am 25!

This could be a product of my mother's doing also. When M and I got married, she was tired of everyone saying how young we were (I was almost 23, he was 22) so she kept telling everyone I was 24. So, in my head, I have been 24 since the summer of 2006 :) So maybe its just that I never felt like I would leave 24. I loved being 24, it felt young but not immature.

I am sure that I will grow into this new age...I mean its just a number right? right? I am also sure that I will freak at 30, 35, 40 and gasp 50! (I seriously can't even imagine being 50...that's twice my age now!! Oh gosh my unborn baby will be 25...ahhh...Owww..my brain hurts!)

Anyway, its my birthday and its been a great day. I am thankful to have birthdays and am looking forward to celebrating many more with M and our new little one!

Hello Hurricane Ike!

Ok so this is a little late, for me at least, but I thought I must talk about this weekend.

Sunday we lost power. We spent the night sitting in candle light playing monopoly. It was fun to do something with M that didnt' involve sports, a tv, and/or food. But waking up to no power just plain sucked.

So...Monday night we decided to drive to his sister's place in Ft. Knox and watch the Dallas game and let me shower.

But before we left, I had a little break down...

I couldn't handle it. We had to throw away so much food that I just bawled like a little baby. This was probably made worse by a few things...M bought me a great birthday present (a camcorder) but we spent more than we intended and I had just spent $50 at whole foods on fruit and seafood. The fruit was saved, but the seafood was $40 of that purchase. I had felt so guilty for buying such expensive food and then we just threw it out. So I cried. We hadn't even been out of power for 24 hours and I was a wreck. So I feel very, very bad for my friends who still do not have power tonight. I. Can't. Imagine.

I thought that I would have been better at handling such a situation. But I was so disoriented and stressed out. It was terrible. I felt like the world's biggest baby. I just couldn't handle it. Thankfully, some one was thinking of me and we got our power back on Monday night.

I have learned my lesson though, we need batteries and good candles for light. Next time I will be prepared!

Thanksgiving Two Months Early

I debated what to name this blog today because to day is a very special day in our history. And in many ways it feels much more real than the pilgrims landing at plymouth rock. But here it is anyway.

So this week has been INCREDIBLY stressful. It culminated in a crying/screaming fit last night to my poor hubby who really didn't do anything wrong and the crying/screaming wasn't really directed at him (or anyone for that matter).

Today I feel calmer and more collected. I realized I hadn't posted in a while and was trying to think of what to write about and then I realized that a few events have happened in the last week or so that have reminded me of how lucky I am and what a blessed life I truly lead. So here are a few of things I am most thankful for right now and the events that reminded me.

September 11, 2001
This particular event really doesn't need any explanation so I will leave it at this

- I am so thankful for my family. Everyone is happy, healthy and alive. For that I am thankful as today we remembered all the people who were lost on 9/11 and who have died since serving our country. Thank you for keeping my family safe.

- I am thankful for my husband. Many husbands, wives and companions were lost those no so many years ago. I am thankful that he has such patience with me and my pregnant hormones and my general disposition. I am thankful that he loves me as much as he does. For that I couldn't be luckier.

-I am thankful that I live in America. Even though I often worry about the future our country and don't really have answers for the problems, I am thankful that I live here and enjoy the many freedoms I do have.

A blogger friend of mine lost her pregnancy recently

-I really don't know this woman outside of her blog and message boards but I felt a special bond with her and many other women who are mothers and are pregnant now that I am pregnant and I am watching as she struggles through this hard time with a positive attitude and a strong spirit.

-I am thankful for my own pregnancy. For all the aches, the pains and the bad acne...all of it. I am thankful that I can reproduce and carry a life inside me.

-I am thankful for my life experiences that hopefully will make me a better mother and a better lawyer.

-I am thankful and in awe of this beautiful little life that is growing, tumbling and kicking inside of me, that makes my heart skip a beat when I become of aware of his/her movements and the surprise, wonder, joy, frustration and learning s/he will bring to my life.

Yoga

-I am sooo thankful for yoga. I had never before stepped into a yoga studio until about 6 weeks ago. I never knew what I was missing. I am so thankful for the hour I have every week to devote to myself, my body and my baby. I forget about all the things in the world that are bothering me, law school disappears, stress disappears. And its just me in a very small and very large way. It is humbling and exhilarating at the same time.

-I am thankful to Lucie for suggesting yoga to me and sharing this incredible gift of mind, body and spirit.

So....

For now that's about it. There are many other things in my life, but I must move on to some of the pressing matters...but I am glad to have taken some time today and really thought about all the things in my life that are great and wonderful. Even if things get crazy and hectic.

I hope everyone is having a great night and looking forward to a relaxing and productive weekend.

Bittersweet endings

This weekend was a great weekend. Nothing really special happened, but sometimes those make the greatest days and moments.

Last weekend, M and I went to Wisconsin for a cousins wedding. It was fun, but a long drive and we came home feeling more stressed than relaxed. I could have prepared better had I realized the wedding was at the end of the first week of my classes and the weekend before M's class started. Oh well. Better planning this time.

So I canceled my trip to the lake in lieu of a quiet weekend. But this just didn't feel right to me. For any of you who don't know me super well....I love the lake house. I have gone at least once a summer since I was 9. It has got to be my favorite place on earth. Its nestled in the Blue Ridge Mountains on the Georgia/Tennessee border. The lake drains into the Ocoee River which boasts as the kayaking river for the 1996 Olympics. It is the most gorgeous place on earth, and I have been to a few very nice places.

Anyway, so on Monday I went to my 16 week appointment, sooo happy to hear the baby (but that's another post) and talked to my mom (BTW she works at my drs. office) and decided that I would go after all. For this I was greatly excited!

I drove down with my mom and the kids (all 5 of us :D) and we had a nice relaxing weekend. We didn't do much of anything but swim, read, eat and go out on the boat.

But leaving this time was so incredibly hard. It will be my last time at the lake for about 2 years. It took all I had not to cry for the last 4 hours we were there.

It was so hard because I feel like, my 'last' trip to the lake really solidified for me the changes I am about to make in my life. I am about to leave (in 6 months) all that I have known and all that I love for the great unknown. I know its part of growing up, I know its part of being a half of a whole and I know its for the betterment of M's career. But it doesn't make moving half way across the country much easier.

So anyway, this weekend was a bittersweet moment for me. I am almost 25 and I feel like my life is coming very close to a cross roads. I may know which path to take, but the taking it is still so hard....

The Start of School means....

I get to spend LOTS of money!!! Can you believe the PRICE of books!! I am sooo tired of paying upwards of $500 a semester for books. Its so frustrating. The really awful part about it is that it really is not proportionate to the number or difficulty of the class either. In fact, the semester I had the least amount of classes I paid the most in books.

As any college student knows, getting textbooks is a frustrating process. I didn't mind it so much in undergrad because I could almost always find my books cheaper online. I love half.com and amazon.com. But with law books its so much different. I think the biggest problem is that many students don't sell their books back. I have recently put my law books up on half.com and have already sold most of them. But when I go to look for mine, I find that they are more expensive than what the bookstore sold them to me for.

Oh well...what can a girl do? I mean, I have to have these books...its not like in undergrad where you were lucky if the professor mentioned the book...I have said that at least I have read most of my $150 books mostly from cover to cover. But still.

So anyway M decided that going the Thesis route to getting his masters finished was just not going to work out. He's had many problems with his 'machine' that he was doing 'experiments' on (can you tell I really had no idea what he was doing???). So great. He assured me that his company gives a 75% tuition remission and we'd only have to pay $250 for his class that he has to take. Except that he told me today, that we pay first and then the company reimburses us if he gets a C or above. UGH!! What makes it all worse is that he didn't file a FAFSA and the class isnt' enough credit hours to get loan money anyway. *sigh*

Plus the other really crappy thing about this class is that its ALL YEAR! Which sucks because the Spring semester is going to be so hard for us. Oh well... I am sure it will all work itself out in the end...but sometimes...MAN!!!

When will I feel like a mommy??

This is a question I have been asking myself lately.

I have always wanted to be a mom. I always had this little bit of a fantasy that being pregnant would be this greatly spiritual quest. I would know exactly when I was pregnant and I would instantly feel connected to this life inside me.

So...reality hits and its not like that at all. I took five pregnancy tests to convince myself that it was actually real. And in the middle of the worst morning sickness I cried to M about it and even a few times (ashamedly) wished we hadn't got pregnant...but usually that was late at night when I was exhausted (and thinking...I am this exhausted WITHOUT a baby???!!!). I always woke up and remembered that this is something I really wanted...but it didn't stop the doubt from creeping in.

ANYWAY...everyone said "oh you'll feel like a mom when you see the first ultrasound or hear the heartbeat for the first time." But...that didn't exactly happen either. I saw my little bean at 8 weeks (really s/he looked like a peanut) and I was astounded. I got great pictures at 12 weeks and it really looked like a baby!! We were so surprised!! It was a surreal experience.

So when did I start feeling like a mom? Or at least pregnant??

When someone insulted me, my husband and my baby!! Ugh...people can be so hateful sometimes and it hurts more when its a member of your family. But at that moment...I knew then that it was ON!! You can't just expect me to sit back and take it when you make mean comments about my baby! *Sigh*

Anyway I don't really want to go to in depth on the details but while it really sucked for M and I it made me feel VERY much a mommy. And that was a positive feeling at least.

So as I am entering my second trimester on Saturday, I am finally starting to feel better and most importantly to feel connected to my baby and excited (all the time) to be pregnant!

And the reason I haven't posted in forever.....

Is because I am PREGNANT!!! Yes!!! I am so excited to finally be able to share this little bit of information with the world. M and I had been trying for 5 months to get preggers and the month that I had decided would be our last was our best :).

So here I am 12 weeks and 2 days pregnant. My due date is Feb. 6th and we couldn't be more excited!

So....I would love to write about some of the things that have been on my mind.

Being pregnant is harder than it looks. A lot harder. There are so many things about being pregnant that no one tells you about. For instance, even if you have been trying to get pregnant you may one day wake up and think "my god what did we do??" And then you will remember and it will be ok. They also don't tell you how tired you will be...I mean really tired...more tired than those cramming sessions right before 1st semester law school finals. And at least for me....that pregnancy glow is a myth! Haha...well apparently I appear happier to my friends and family so I guess maybe there is a little "glow."

Morning sickness...we've all heard of it, but until you get it you can't imagine how awful it is. And then you have to go on and work or do whatever other thing you were supposed to be doing. I mean you can't take a 5 week (or longer) sick day.

Anyway having successfully made it 12 weeks things are starting to get better. I am starting to get a "baby bump" but only when I wear certain things or look in the mirror.

So far things are great. Went to my first yoga class today. Yoga is not as easy as it looks. But I felt GREAT afterward. I was glad to have only 3 people there today because its a little embarrassing that I can't manage to say balanced with my hands over my head while doing a lunge...I really hope it gets easier! I want so badly to do Yoga...for all the great things its supposed to do.

I haven't written in so long...i have so much to say but its late and like I said I am ALWAYS tired.

More later :)

Summer

Well summer is officially underway. I love summer, despite the heat, everything is relaxed and slowing down a little...yeah right!!

Oh man I have so much to do this summer!! Mostly that's my fault since I decided to take a couple classes...granted I love them and they are fun...but they do require some work! I have 25 pg. paper to right for Juvenile Justice...which I am excited about writing, but I am not very good at starting papers...so its a frustrating process for me in the beginning.

Also this summer I absolutely need to get my scrapbooks done! I mean done. I am still working on a scrapbook from my trip to Spain...in 2004!!!! I know its terrible...but my life is only going to get crazier in the months ahead so I must get this stuff done this summer...its probably my last chance!

So what's the problem?

I am so tired I can't get up at a decent time in which to get this all done...oh well...I'll figure it out!!

Chugging along!

I haven't posted in forever!! So many things have been going on lately that I just haven't had time to sit down and process it all.

A week ago Thursday I was in a crazy car accident that definitely left me thanking God for sparing my life and my health! Thankfully no one but my car (and someone else's) were seriously hurt. Hubby (M) and I were glad that the car was fixable and not totaled...we can't really afford to buy a new car now...especially when he's going to need a new car really soon.

So for now I am dealing with being without a car...its been really hard!! Thankfully my classes this summer are at night and that makes it a little easier to work out our schedules. Unfortunately M goes to work at about 6:30 or 7 in the morning and that doesn't really work out for me going to the library, oh well! Just hoping to have my car back soon!

For Memorial Day we went to the Lake, had to rent a car since mine was wrecked...but it was worth it to hang with the family. I got sooo burnt!! I was so surprised...it usually takes a lot for me to burn, so that sucked. Oh well we had a great time so that's what matters!!

Anyway this has been such a great week...M and I are so blessed!!

Grades

So grades came out today. Mixed reviews from me...I am really ecstatic to get a few A's :-) My GPA sure did need them but one of the grades really bothered me....guess I need to talk to the Professor...Its so weird cause I did good in his other class! Oh well...

I am glad by my reaction to the grades though...I am finally coming to terms with the fact that my grades in law school do not define me, they do not define my ability to be a good person or a good lawyer for that matter. So that being said, the type A, always a great student in me is happy that although I was disappointed with one of my grades, my GPA went up and my goal for graduation is a real possibility.

Hope all my friends got the grades they worked for!

Life Isn't Fair

Its one of those horrible things that people tell children when things don't go their way.

I for one, hate it. I think its a terrible thing to teach our children. I mean really will say life isn't fair when your daughter wasn't allowed to play basketball with the boys at school because she might get hurt or will you tell that to your son when he wasn't hired because he was gay? Really??

Anyway I think its funny because I have been told my whole life that Life Isn't Fair, yet I still get angry when it isn't. I am not talking about anything monumental. There were a few silly events that happened today that made me think "hey, that's not fair!" I mean no one's rights were being violated and no one was been discriminated but it did make me stop and think about life being fair.

Sometimes I think Life owes me a little...my childhood was a little messed up...the last time I saw my biological mother I was 9 years old. Things before that were pretty awful, things were better after she left but I spent years trying to deal with the abandonment and sometimes I still deal with its effects. So occasionally I feel like Life owes me. High school was difficult for me but it was met with college and I finally felt free to be myself and trust people again...I met my husband and we got engaged, then married...

Then I went to law school and trusted someone who stabbed me in the back...I tried not to think that it was my fault...Maybe it was though because I was too trusting and I should have seen what everyone else did...anyway back to today...

I just think that life should be fair. I think that people who do good things should get good things in return...I think people who deal with unfortunate circumstances should be rewarded later...I also believe that hard work should be rewarded with success and laziness should not be rewarded...

I wonder if I am just too idealistic? Is fairness really only left to the white and wealthy? I know I am white, but I am certainly not wealthy and neither are my parents...So sometimes I wonder if I am wrong to believe that life should be fair and that fighting to make things fair is worth it.

I mean, I know there are certain things in life that should be fought for...equality among the races, the sexes and the sexually oriented is something I truly believe in. But is it fair to fight for the little things? Like promises that were made...even if they aren't life altering...shouldn't people be kept to their promises? And what about people who work their whole lives to make things better for others only constantly finding themselves thrown under the financially crippling bus?

I think sometimes I really take things too personally and I tend to react emotionally (I have a serious fear of one day bursting into tears in court because I always seem to cry when I get angry or upset).

But you know...no matter what I do, no matter what happens to me, who hurts me, walks over me and tries desperately to show me that the world isn't fair for people like me, I still can't seem to shake my idealistic hope that I can make things fair...even if it only means things were fair for only that instant in time.

FYI

So I added some blogs that I love to read so that they would be easily accessible for me to read...if anyone objects to me linking their blog from my blog just let me know and I will take it down...I really don't think anyone reads my blog but me a probably the people who I added, but I understand privacy stuff...

:-D

Days Off

How come days off never seem as relaxing as they should be?

So I have this entire week off, no classes and I could work whenever I felt like it...yet it still feels full of stress...

I think it's because I have so many things I really want to do and I am soo tired from a stressful semester that I can't make myself do much when I get home except sleep or watch tv.

On a brighter note, I think this summer semester is going to be cool. I am taking Juvenile Justice, which is something I am really interested in so that's a plus and then Native American Law...I was a little worried about this class but the syllabus came out today and it looks pretty darn cool..no final and I got my book and it looks like a lot of history that I never really got to explore at other points in my schooling. Plus the classes only last 6 weeks which is a plus.

So I decided that hubby and I need a vacation. I mean a real vacation where there aren't other people we know, no family or friends...we hadn't done that before our honeymoon or since...our two year anniversary is coming up so that would be fun. But we don't have a whole lot of money so I need to think of some place fun that doesn't cost a whole lot...hm...

anyway just my thoughts for the day

Feeling a little blue

I am so tired of wishing for things that feel like will never happen.

What sucks even more is that it seems to be around everywhere!! Everywhere I go or everywhere I look...its kinda depressing...

Brought on even worse by the fact that in almost exactly a year I will be moving my husband and myself to a completely different state and a 15 hour drive from the place that I grew up and the family I am so close to.

So, I wanted to have this one thing, so I could experience it with my family before I leave. But currently it feels destined not to happen. I know that you can't plan everything in life, I am ok with that, really, but sometimes it would be nice to be able to plan a few things.

Oh well...now I am just trying to enjoy my one week off before I start classes again. Yay!

Finally, I can relax

Ahh,

Finals are over...And THANK GOODNESS!! I was not sure I was gonna make it through..haha, no I knew I was going to make it through this years, I mean it really couldn't be worse than last spring and I tried to remind myself that.

Law school finals always bring out the worst in all of us...Everyone is cranky and stressed and acting weird. My husband likes to stay away from me...I get a little snippy...so I don't blame him..

I am looking forward to this summer though. I think its going to be one of my better summers. I am taking Native American Law which will probably be boring and Juvenile Justice which I am super, super excited about considering I really want to do family law. Plus that class is a paper and I can't wait to finally have a grade in a class that will be based on something I am good at. I am not good at taking exams, I just can't cram and remember and feel good about it...

Anyway back to summer...So I was a little disappointed that I didn't have a "law" job again this summer but then I realized something.

This will be the last summer I spend anywhere near my family.

A year from today I will be getting ready for graduation and packing my things to move to Houston.

That is like the scariest statement I have ever made. I am PETRIFIED of moving to Texas. Its not so much the moving, I think I am ready to move beyond this place, but its the where...I mean not that I don't like parts of texas and to be honest I have never visited Houston, the problem is how far away from everything I have ever known it is.

I am an East Coast, New England girl at heart, I love the cold, frost bite ocean, I love beautiful snow covered winters, REAL maple syrup, the way the leaves turn the most beautiful colors I have ever seen, I love getting a box of all flavor salt water taffy only to realize I don't really like salt water taffy :-), I love eating a lobster that still has all its parts, I love the east!

While I was born in California, my parents moved to Dayton when I was 6 months old and until I met mark and went to visit his parents in Texas for the first time in 2004, I hadn't crossed the Mississippi, much less LIVED there....

I am scared, I'll admit it, I am also sad that I will be so far from my family. But I have decided to go with my husband and I think its the right decision...so I will spend this summer trying to enjoy every ounce of my family possible, before its no longer easy for me to run up to Cincy and see them....

wanting, wishing, waiting, praying...

Ever wanted something so bad you could cry about it?

I am a very persistent person. I have cried about many things that I have wanted over my life...some of them have come true, others, not so much. My husband says I am spoiled because I always get what I want.

Sometimes its true...especially with him... I think he just likes to give me what I want because it makes me happy [and he doesn't like to watch me sulk ;-)]. If its something that takes a long time, usually I obsess until it happens...

My current obsession is a little more difficult than things that I have wanted in the past...this particular wish is just something that I can't make happen on my own...in fact its so out of my hands that I have to let faith take over...

This is hard for me...being a type-A personality, sometimes I think I will have to work very hard as a lawyer because I very much believe in the "if you want something right, do it yourself" mantra. I believe there is some value in learning the art of effective delegation, perhaps in the future I will be better at it.

I think this current obsession is sort of the start to that. I mean, I am at a place right now where I can only do my small part and no matter how much I want to make something happen, I must just put my faith in God and know that if its supposed to happen for me now, it will...

But wanting, wishing, waiting and praying can be so very hard for someone who has a hard time with that little virtue called patience :-D

For now, I am going to sit back, pray every night (and every time I think of it during the day!) and know that fate and God will eventually help me out!

Until then, I am trying to focus on getting good grades in law school, which may in itself be an oxymoron of the greatest proportion! haha...good grades in law school actually makes me chuckle a little bit...oh well! I am praying about that too!!

A little whining about modern technology

Don't get me wrong, I love technology as much as the next guy. I love having neat little gadgets that do all sorts of cool things to make my life easier. But one thing that really irks me is the way our lives revolve around email.

I love email, its fast, its simple, and sometimes you just don't want to be stuck on the phone with someone for hours. I love email because I hate leaving voice messages, I always end up with a message that says:

Um, hi, its Jess, I was just calling to _______ please give me a call, ok I'll talk to you later, bye...

And that's on a good day. But, one thing about email and technology is that you are notified of a new message almost simultaneously with when the other person hit the send button.

So I HATE it when I am given a deadline on something and email a person with a question I have about the deadline, only to have 2 or 3 days go by without a response.

I mean with our obsession with technology I KNOW they read it! Or at least saw that I emailed. Sooo please have the courtesy to reply! I mean it really sucks when I am stuck and can't move forward and all I want to do is get on with my life...

This has happened to me three times this weekend. I am still waiting for replies....ugh....

YAY Email, BOO sucky people

But you know maybe its my own fault. You know I have become so accustomed to everything being fast, instantaneous and split-second that I have totally lost all patience. I definitely do not have the virtue of patience, I am the most impatient person in the world....I certainly hope I learn some patience before I start having children because that could be a real problem...

Oh well....for now I guess I must wait until the morning for a reply...maybe.

Patiently Waiting

So its been a while since I last posted, I guess that's cause I have been busy...in fact I shouldn't be writing this cause I have Evidence, Con Law and Tax to outline for and an Admin final to finish but I needed a little break.

Last night I went out with a friend of mine and her best friend. We went to 4th street to go dancing. I realized at the end of the night (and this morning when I had a massive headache) that a certain part of my life was over. I just realized that for me, gone are the days when I will party, dance with strangers, drink till I puke...etc. Not that this is a bad thing, I mean I had fun when I was in Undergrad, but maybe now I have different priorities.

But what it really made me realize was that I have spent my entire life waiting for the next "BIG" part of my life to come. I noticed myself this week wishing I were graduating in May and getting to start a real job. While that is definitely a strong goal of mine, I realized that I have spent my whole life thinking like that, then when I do make it the next stage of my life I am sad that I did not spend more time enjoying the previous time enough.

I did this a few years ago when I studied abroad in Spain. I was miserable the whole time I was away, I was so homesick, missed my family, my friends, my bed and my boyfriend (now husband). But the funny thing was that the minute I was back in the States all I wanted to do was go back.

I read a quote on some random person's blog today it said:

"Happiness is to be found along the way,
not at the end of the road,
for then the journey is over and it is too late.
Today, this hour, this minute is the day, the hour,
the minute for each of us to sense the fact that life is good,
with all of its trials and troubles,
and perhaps more interesting because of them."
xxxxxxxxxx~ Robert R. Updegraff


It made me realize how I tend to spend my life waiting for the end of the journey. So after two months of waiting and wishing for something to happen that didn't (sorry to be so cryptic but I am not ready to divulge all my secrets yet :-)) I am just going to enjoy the moment that I am living in without being so crazy and intent on the future. I know the next year will be hard, taxing and a struggle (law school just generally is) I am going to try my best to just accept it and enjoy my life.

The Way I see it #12345

So anyone who knows me, knows I am completely obsessed with two things: Vera Bradley and Starbucks. The Vera Bradley obsession deserves its own blog...but anyway...I am now so completely obsessed that I have my own personally designed gift card which I have put my newly formed "starbucks" budget onto....FUN!!!

I blame the increase of my great like of Starbucks into a full blown obsession on my family. My dad and my sister both work at a Starbucks and when I visit I get overloaded with free coffee, the latte's my dad brings home and great accessories [I absolutely think my coffee mug from SB is the best travel mug ever made]. My parents, who once made fun of how much I loved starbucks, actually forced me to de-tox after our summer vacation when I had no less than 13 Venti Whole Milk White Chocolate Mochas in 10 days. While I know that I could have refused, my dad usually just showed up with them and how can I refuse to drink it when I know he spent $6 on it??? Anyway it was probably a month before I drank Starbucks again.

Everyone knows I love starbucks...I received $85 in SB gift cards this Christmas...much to my husband's dismay...but like I said to him...at least he didn't have to buy them for me ;-)

While I love starbucks so much I never realized how much their stores left to be desired...On Friday, hubby and I were too early to show up to the Law Prom so we headed over to Frankfort ave. and decided to have a cup of coffee. Using my trusty Garmin, cause I honestly have lived in this city for 6 years and never ventured over to the Frankfort Ave. area...scandalous I know.., we found Java Brewing company. It was the coolest coffee shop I had been into, possibly ever [though I did once visit this great Starbucks in Murphy, NC but that's another story too]. Hubby and I just sat on an incredibly comfy black leather couch, while I sipped a delicious French Vanilla Latte....yum...

So what I loved the most about the place was the atmosphere! The lights were dim, none of that harsh industrial lighting you get everywhere else in the commercial world, and the place was warm [they had a nice fire going] Frankly it was very "college"-esque. I was in heaven...unfortunately hubby and I got into a minor argument about my summer plans but again, for another post....

Anyway it made me think that I might make that place my new finals/studying get away when I just can't handle the uncontrolled temperatures of our library and I really want a good cup of coffee...too bad they won't take my starbucks gift card ;-)

The Socialite

I hate rainy days...they make me sad and they give me headaches (apparently from the drop in the barometric pressure) and anyway they make getting dressed up and going out hard.

I am so happy my husband is home and I was looking forward to having some quality time with him before we go out tonight...unfortunately he's taking a nap and I am blogging...not too much togetherness there. Oh well.

Tonight Hubby and I are going to Law School prom...or a cocktail party...whatever they are calling it now. I am excited, I love to be social and see people and hang out...I even got really cute shoes which is not something I do too often...

But I always get nervous before I go to these things. Especially in law school...I always feel like I am on the outskirts of the "popular" group and sometimes its hard for me to get relaxed enough to enjoy myself. I'm hoping tonight will be fun...who knows. For now though I am just hanging out trying to decide what to do with myself for the next 3 hours....

Reflections

So, This is my first blog in years...a few people at school have one of these and I love reading their blogs everyday...I am not sure i really want any one to read this but it will be nice to get my thoughts out there...even if no one reads them...

I am approaching the end of a really long week. My husband has been out of town all week long...its so lonely here without him.. Just me and the kittens :-)

well they aren't really kittens. But that's what we call them and probably will call them that for the rest of their lives. This fact annoys the heck out of my mom but whatever...we just got into the habit of calling them the kittens and that's just what's stuck.

But anyway its been lonely. I usually call my husband about 3-4 times a day when he's at work and I am going about my life...either with school or whatever. But on his business trip he's not very accessible. It sucks too cause I am here at home with tons of things I need to do but I am having a hard time getting anything done...for example, I am here blogging instead of cleaning and outlining.

Did I mention I was in law school? *Sigh* law school stresses me out. I read all the time, well normally, lately I have been such a slacker....I feel really burnt out, I just want to graduate and get on with my life but that brings up alot of issues that are probably better left for another post.

One thing I hate about law school is that it has made me feel like I did in High School...I hated high school. I thought about suicide alot. I didnt', obviously, but I knew things would be better in college and they were!! I loved college, I had friends, I met other people who were weird like me, and it didn't matter that I dont' really understand how to put together an "outfit", high heels scare me and I love to have a good argument about how the world came into being.

But law school is different. It seems like every beautiful person on the planet happened to be in my first year class. Not to mention they were all dressed wonderfully, had perfect hair and better grades. The cliques happened fast and just like high school I wasn't part of the cool group. But it was ok cause I had my two pretty good friends...

Until close to the end of second semester. That's when one of my two friends did the unthinkable...I wish I could talk about it, I think it would really help, but for reasons beyond my control I am stuck with the tape over my mouth. Needless to say I spent last summer recovering from the massive figurative stab wound in my back.

So I came back to school with a large cloud of doubt hanging over my head...I wish there was something I could do...maybe its just all in my head...I mean I dont' really know for sure what anyone thinks, but then again.....

Ugh...so I am stuck with one friend and while she's great and we share alot, its just not the same...its ok though, I understand...she sorta got wrapped up in the drama too.

So this semester I thought things would be better....I guess they are except now I am in the "I dont' want to go to school" mode...

Recently I read a blog of this girl at school whom I admire, she has the most perfect hair and she's a baking goddess....anyway she was wondering why she couldn't just be happy for the way things were in her life...I feel alot like that...I am never happy with the way things are...or so it seems. I always seem to be trying to get on with something else. Oh well...

Ok well I guess I have spent enough time doing this tonight.