wanting, wishing, waiting, praying...

Ever wanted something so bad you could cry about it?

I am a very persistent person. I have cried about many things that I have wanted over my life...some of them have come true, others, not so much. My husband says I am spoiled because I always get what I want.

Sometimes its true...especially with him... I think he just likes to give me what I want because it makes me happy [and he doesn't like to watch me sulk ;-)]. If its something that takes a long time, usually I obsess until it happens...

My current obsession is a little more difficult than things that I have wanted in the past...this particular wish is just something that I can't make happen on my own...in fact its so out of my hands that I have to let faith take over...

This is hard for me...being a type-A personality, sometimes I think I will have to work very hard as a lawyer because I very much believe in the "if you want something right, do it yourself" mantra. I believe there is some value in learning the art of effective delegation, perhaps in the future I will be better at it.

I think this current obsession is sort of the start to that. I mean, I am at a place right now where I can only do my small part and no matter how much I want to make something happen, I must just put my faith in God and know that if its supposed to happen for me now, it will...

But wanting, wishing, waiting and praying can be so very hard for someone who has a hard time with that little virtue called patience :-D

For now, I am going to sit back, pray every night (and every time I think of it during the day!) and know that fate and God will eventually help me out!

Until then, I am trying to focus on getting good grades in law school, which may in itself be an oxymoron of the greatest proportion! haha...good grades in law school actually makes me chuckle a little bit...oh well! I am praying about that too!!

A little whining about modern technology

Don't get me wrong, I love technology as much as the next guy. I love having neat little gadgets that do all sorts of cool things to make my life easier. But one thing that really irks me is the way our lives revolve around email.

I love email, its fast, its simple, and sometimes you just don't want to be stuck on the phone with someone for hours. I love email because I hate leaving voice messages, I always end up with a message that says:

Um, hi, its Jess, I was just calling to _______ please give me a call, ok I'll talk to you later, bye...

And that's on a good day. But, one thing about email and technology is that you are notified of a new message almost simultaneously with when the other person hit the send button.

So I HATE it when I am given a deadline on something and email a person with a question I have about the deadline, only to have 2 or 3 days go by without a response.

I mean with our obsession with technology I KNOW they read it! Or at least saw that I emailed. Sooo please have the courtesy to reply! I mean it really sucks when I am stuck and can't move forward and all I want to do is get on with my life...

This has happened to me three times this weekend. I am still waiting for replies....ugh....

YAY Email, BOO sucky people

But you know maybe its my own fault. You know I have become so accustomed to everything being fast, instantaneous and split-second that I have totally lost all patience. I definitely do not have the virtue of patience, I am the most impatient person in the world....I certainly hope I learn some patience before I start having children because that could be a real problem...

Oh well....for now I guess I must wait until the morning for a reply...maybe.

Patiently Waiting

So its been a while since I last posted, I guess that's cause I have been busy...in fact I shouldn't be writing this cause I have Evidence, Con Law and Tax to outline for and an Admin final to finish but I needed a little break.

Last night I went out with a friend of mine and her best friend. We went to 4th street to go dancing. I realized at the end of the night (and this morning when I had a massive headache) that a certain part of my life was over. I just realized that for me, gone are the days when I will party, dance with strangers, drink till I puke...etc. Not that this is a bad thing, I mean I had fun when I was in Undergrad, but maybe now I have different priorities.

But what it really made me realize was that I have spent my entire life waiting for the next "BIG" part of my life to come. I noticed myself this week wishing I were graduating in May and getting to start a real job. While that is definitely a strong goal of mine, I realized that I have spent my whole life thinking like that, then when I do make it the next stage of my life I am sad that I did not spend more time enjoying the previous time enough.

I did this a few years ago when I studied abroad in Spain. I was miserable the whole time I was away, I was so homesick, missed my family, my friends, my bed and my boyfriend (now husband). But the funny thing was that the minute I was back in the States all I wanted to do was go back.

I read a quote on some random person's blog today it said:

"Happiness is to be found along the way,
not at the end of the road,
for then the journey is over and it is too late.
Today, this hour, this minute is the day, the hour,
the minute for each of us to sense the fact that life is good,
with all of its trials and troubles,
and perhaps more interesting because of them."
xxxxxxxxxx~ Robert R. Updegraff


It made me realize how I tend to spend my life waiting for the end of the journey. So after two months of waiting and wishing for something to happen that didn't (sorry to be so cryptic but I am not ready to divulge all my secrets yet :-)) I am just going to enjoy the moment that I am living in without being so crazy and intent on the future. I know the next year will be hard, taxing and a struggle (law school just generally is) I am going to try my best to just accept it and enjoy my life.

The Way I see it #12345

So anyone who knows me, knows I am completely obsessed with two things: Vera Bradley and Starbucks. The Vera Bradley obsession deserves its own blog...but anyway...I am now so completely obsessed that I have my own personally designed gift card which I have put my newly formed "starbucks" budget onto....FUN!!!

I blame the increase of my great like of Starbucks into a full blown obsession on my family. My dad and my sister both work at a Starbucks and when I visit I get overloaded with free coffee, the latte's my dad brings home and great accessories [I absolutely think my coffee mug from SB is the best travel mug ever made]. My parents, who once made fun of how much I loved starbucks, actually forced me to de-tox after our summer vacation when I had no less than 13 Venti Whole Milk White Chocolate Mochas in 10 days. While I know that I could have refused, my dad usually just showed up with them and how can I refuse to drink it when I know he spent $6 on it??? Anyway it was probably a month before I drank Starbucks again.

Everyone knows I love starbucks...I received $85 in SB gift cards this Christmas...much to my husband's dismay...but like I said to him...at least he didn't have to buy them for me ;-)

While I love starbucks so much I never realized how much their stores left to be desired...On Friday, hubby and I were too early to show up to the Law Prom so we headed over to Frankfort ave. and decided to have a cup of coffee. Using my trusty Garmin, cause I honestly have lived in this city for 6 years and never ventured over to the Frankfort Ave. area...scandalous I know.., we found Java Brewing company. It was the coolest coffee shop I had been into, possibly ever [though I did once visit this great Starbucks in Murphy, NC but that's another story too]. Hubby and I just sat on an incredibly comfy black leather couch, while I sipped a delicious French Vanilla Latte....yum...

So what I loved the most about the place was the atmosphere! The lights were dim, none of that harsh industrial lighting you get everywhere else in the commercial world, and the place was warm [they had a nice fire going] Frankly it was very "college"-esque. I was in heaven...unfortunately hubby and I got into a minor argument about my summer plans but again, for another post....

Anyway it made me think that I might make that place my new finals/studying get away when I just can't handle the uncontrolled temperatures of our library and I really want a good cup of coffee...too bad they won't take my starbucks gift card ;-)

The Socialite

I hate rainy days...they make me sad and they give me headaches (apparently from the drop in the barometric pressure) and anyway they make getting dressed up and going out hard.

I am so happy my husband is home and I was looking forward to having some quality time with him before we go out tonight...unfortunately he's taking a nap and I am blogging...not too much togetherness there. Oh well.

Tonight Hubby and I are going to Law School prom...or a cocktail party...whatever they are calling it now. I am excited, I love to be social and see people and hang out...I even got really cute shoes which is not something I do too often...

But I always get nervous before I go to these things. Especially in law school...I always feel like I am on the outskirts of the "popular" group and sometimes its hard for me to get relaxed enough to enjoy myself. I'm hoping tonight will be fun...who knows. For now though I am just hanging out trying to decide what to do with myself for the next 3 hours....

Reflections

So, This is my first blog in years...a few people at school have one of these and I love reading their blogs everyday...I am not sure i really want any one to read this but it will be nice to get my thoughts out there...even if no one reads them...

I am approaching the end of a really long week. My husband has been out of town all week long...its so lonely here without him.. Just me and the kittens :-)

well they aren't really kittens. But that's what we call them and probably will call them that for the rest of their lives. This fact annoys the heck out of my mom but whatever...we just got into the habit of calling them the kittens and that's just what's stuck.

But anyway its been lonely. I usually call my husband about 3-4 times a day when he's at work and I am going about my life...either with school or whatever. But on his business trip he's not very accessible. It sucks too cause I am here at home with tons of things I need to do but I am having a hard time getting anything done...for example, I am here blogging instead of cleaning and outlining.

Did I mention I was in law school? *Sigh* law school stresses me out. I read all the time, well normally, lately I have been such a slacker....I feel really burnt out, I just want to graduate and get on with my life but that brings up alot of issues that are probably better left for another post.

One thing I hate about law school is that it has made me feel like I did in High School...I hated high school. I thought about suicide alot. I didnt', obviously, but I knew things would be better in college and they were!! I loved college, I had friends, I met other people who were weird like me, and it didn't matter that I dont' really understand how to put together an "outfit", high heels scare me and I love to have a good argument about how the world came into being.

But law school is different. It seems like every beautiful person on the planet happened to be in my first year class. Not to mention they were all dressed wonderfully, had perfect hair and better grades. The cliques happened fast and just like high school I wasn't part of the cool group. But it was ok cause I had my two pretty good friends...

Until close to the end of second semester. That's when one of my two friends did the unthinkable...I wish I could talk about it, I think it would really help, but for reasons beyond my control I am stuck with the tape over my mouth. Needless to say I spent last summer recovering from the massive figurative stab wound in my back.

So I came back to school with a large cloud of doubt hanging over my head...I wish there was something I could do...maybe its just all in my head...I mean I dont' really know for sure what anyone thinks, but then again.....

Ugh...so I am stuck with one friend and while she's great and we share alot, its just not the same...its ok though, I understand...she sorta got wrapped up in the drama too.

So this semester I thought things would be better....I guess they are except now I am in the "I dont' want to go to school" mode...

Recently I read a blog of this girl at school whom I admire, she has the most perfect hair and she's a baking goddess....anyway she was wondering why she couldn't just be happy for the way things were in her life...I feel alot like that...I am never happy with the way things are...or so it seems. I always seem to be trying to get on with something else. Oh well...

Ok well I guess I have spent enough time doing this tonight.