Bittersweet Days Ahead

I haven't posted in a long time, but today I just needed to get this all down.

Yesterday was my last first day of school and for that I couldn't be happier. I am so excited being done with Law school and moving on to having a real career. Even though I have decided to wait to take the bar exam until Feb. 2010, I am still excited about putting this chapter of my life behind me. I am FINALLY ready to grow up and move on.

What I am NOT ready for is this baby to come. Not in the way you think though!

So last night was kinda rough. Late classes (and classes in general) are hard on a 9 month pregnant lady! Sitting still, in semi-comfortable chairs, for 3 hours is really hard. I made it, but I felt pretty miserable.

I came home last night and was crying to M about it. I was whining because I have been so busy I feel like I haven't been able to enjoy the last week or so with my baby. I haven't been able to sit and enjoy his/her movements like I normally do. I have a quilt, a scrapbook, and a few other projects I want to finish before the baby comes and I just don't see an end in sight for all the things I have going on.

So, in the end we were laying in bed and I was saying how I just wished the baby would come. I want to see my baby so bad, to know whether its a boy or a girl, to love it and hold it and watch it grow. But M reminded me of something that I had forgotten:

That I will only be pregnant for the first time, with our first child for four more weeks.

When he told me that I cried (I'm crying again about it). It so sad to think, that I will never be here again. I LOVE being pregnant. There are so many wonderful, awesome things about being pregnant that I never knew about. In the beginning, before we told the world, it was neat to know that I had this secret, this secret little life growing inside of me. It was mine (and M's) and no one else's.

Once I started showing it has been so cool to watch my belly grow, knowing this little miracle was growing so fast inside me.

Once the baby started kicking, it was an amazing feeling every, single time. I have only had one day in which baby was kicking so hard for so long I felt sick...otherwise, its been a welcome sign that everything is ok.

I love that the baby is always with me, s/he is here where ever I go, no matter what. The baby is so safe and secure here inside me. It makes me sad to know that in a few short weeks the baby won't be inside me anymore. That I might have to depend on others to love, hold, feed, protect him/her. Its a scary thought to me.

Anyway, I just needed to get this off my chest because I am feeling a little sad (and excited) about the end of my pregnancy. I feel so blessed to have had such an easy, fun pregnancy and (hopefully) healthy baby come out of this wonderful experience. I am just a little sad that it has to end...40 weeks is not enough time!

Obama, Ethics and Still (thankfully) Pregnant

So...I haven't posted in a while, but last week was a very hectic, crazy, important and stressful week for me.

1st...Obama is our president elect. For this I am very excited. While he may not have been my first choice, he was by no means the worst choice. I am excited to see what he will do for our country, our families and our lives. One of my Professors said we should get a newspaper and save the headlines (which of course I forgot to do...which makes me very upset...so if anyone knows a link to a good story about it, please send it to me) because when our children are grown it will not be as momentous for them as it is for us. A black man is President...who would have believed it?? I hope that for my baby this feat seems as natural and right as Loving v. Virginia seems to me (whites and blacks can marry for my non-law school friends :D). My hopes for President Obama is to make this world a happier, less scary place for my child. I know that since becoming pregnant it has been on my mind more than once....what kind of world am I bring a child into? Anyway, time will tell and we're really excited.

Also, I found out that if you send a birth announcement to the President they send you a card for congratulations...I am totally going to do this for my baby...since his/her mother can't manage to buy a newspaper to mark the occasion :D

2nd The PR exam and the MPRE were last Friday and Saturday respectively. The PR exam may not have been so bad were it not for sitting in a windowless room when a pre-filled air temperature of 85 degrees. I have never been so miserable in all my life. I tried to drink water and splash water on my face...but its so incredibly difficult to concentrate on an ethics conflict between an insurance company and the insured person when you're worried about cooking your baby in your belly from the heat. Sigh....so anyway, I did my best and that's all you can really ask for right? RIGHT???!!!! :D

The MPRE was much harder than I expected. I am hoping to do well enough to take my score anywhere...I just wished that the practice exams and my classmates would have warned me that it would be so difficult! I am just going to pretend that the questions I didn't know were the test questions that didn't count anyhow!

3rd This week has been a difficult pregnant week for me. I feel like my stomach has grown tremendously and everything is becoming more difficult to do. Forget about tying my sneakers! Its just not going to happen!! Its getting harder to sleep and I am just so tired...but things are still good, the baby moves all time and other than my minor complaints there really isn't too much going on.

The next few weeks will be busy, busy, busy, but also fun and exciting! I can't wait!

Today has been a little stressful.

We had class pictures and they are always stressful for me. I can't stand getting my picture taken, no matter how old I am!

Plus, the MPRE and the Professional Responsibility exam are coming way too fast. I feel like I haven't done any studying. AND my Law and Lit paper is due. No fun.

Anyway, that's not even the worst part. I was feeling yucky earlier and felt like I might be having some contractions (totally not good, but I thought maybe it was dehydration). Anyway, even after lots of water, things still weren't feeling so good, so I called my mom.

She suggested that I have a bath, relax (yeah right!) and if it doesn't get better I have to go to the doctor. Sigh. I really wish I didn't stress myself out so much.

Its so hard though, being pregnant makes you TIRED! I mean, really, truly, bone renching tired. Its so hard to be able to get anything done. Oh well, really and truly baby comes first.

I just need to find a good balance. I know I am not the only law student freaking out right now, I just need to be able to focus and relax. Easier said than done, but I am definitely gonna give it a try.

My Favorite Holiday

CHRISTMAS!!!!!

Today, Christmas seems to be on people's minds (and on tv) so I thought it would appropriate for me to write about how I feel about Christmas.

Most people love Christmas because it means presents (at least, I think that's why most kids love it).

For me its something so much more. I love the feeling that comes with Christmas, the thoughts of family gathered around a fireplace, the stockings hung on the chimney with care :), the snow (hopefully) falling outside, hot chocolate, Santa, Carolers, decorations...so many things.

I was watching tv and saw a commercial for Branson, MO. The commercial plays, Its the Most Wonderful Time of the Year...I got all teary eyed (I am assuming mainly because my pregnancy hormones are raging!) and I got that feeling in my heart that reminds me of how much I love Christmas.

I think I love Christmas so much because of the way my childhood. There were many years when I longed the stability and kind of family life that existed in the songs and carols that permeate the holiday season.

And then, one day, I had it! And ever since then, Christmas has been so special. I feel like a little kid every Christmas, I love giving presents, I love receiving presents (who doesn't but its so nice to have friends and family who love you enough to give you a gift) and I love being close to my family in a way we aren't at other times of the year.

So I was thinking about how I hope to convey this to my child as well. I hope that in the future, Christmas is so magical for him or her that they feel the same way I do about it now and forever. I can't wait to buy Christmas presents for my baby and play Santa. Its such an amazing thought! I hope that I pass down our family traditions and that they last long after I am gone...

So really I love Christmas and I can't wait for Christmas this year :D

So tired.

This week has just been crazy and its only tuesday.

Currently, I am sitting here trying to avoid all the really important things I really must do this week. Tonight actually.

So as I contemplate how to read for classes, study for PR and the MPRE and maybe relax a little (yeah right!) I am beginning to wonder if I am really going to be able to make it next semester.

I mean seriously. I am so tired and my baby to be is living in his/her mommy to be. Currently that doesn't require much outside thought/work from me (except the not so occasional, I really shouldnt' be eating this...did I take my vitamin today?...this pain doesn't seem right).

So. Can I actually manage to go to class at night and take care of a newborn during the day? An interesting question.

Anyway, I know it will be just fine...I'll make it work, I always make it work. But I am a new mommy to be and its my job to worry. So I am worrying about how its going to work and how M and I are going to manage. Its going to be hard, but something tells me that looking at my sweet little baby's face will make it all worth it. I can't wait!!!!!

Crazy Pregnancy Hormones!

So yesterday was a friend's baby shower. It was so cute!! She's looking just awesome!! Her belly is big and she's just glowing with being pregnant. It was such a fun time hanging out with a bunch of girls and another pregnant girl.

So why did I come home and cry? Honestly I have no idea, so I am just going to chalk it up to my raging pregnancy hormones. I have felt the last few days I have been unusually happy. Generally I am pretty content, but lately I have been feeling actually HAPPY, so maybe this was just the crash from the elatedness.

Anyway, I would also say that part of it has to do with how crazy life feels right now. I feel like there are not enough hours in the day in which I feel well enough to do anything.

My day starts, I feel refreshed and ready to go...then I do one or two things and end up so tired I need a nap. So of course I sleep for two hours. Awesome. Its just a vicious cycle. If its a school day, I barely have energy to eat dinner when I come home, much less do all the things I really, really need to do.

Currently there are a few things that REALLY, REALLY, need to get done. But here is my current list of things to do.

1. Study for the Professional Responsibility exam
2. Study for the MPRE
3. Email Professors about next semester's classes
4. Print off ultrasound and pregnancy pics to send to family
5. Write and send out Thank You notes for my birthday presents (which was the 17th of Sept....so yeah, I am really behind on that)
6. Organize the room my mother has to sleep in tomorrow night
7. All the reading for my other classes
8. Try to at least finish a draft for my Law and Lit paper
9. Work on my baby's scrapbook
10. Write in my pregnancy journal
11. Read birthing from within
12. Finish reading outlines for the Chalk Talks I was supposed to do last week
13. Lots of other things I cant' remember right now.

Sigh. Life is really busy right now. I really can't wait until Nov. 9. I will only have 2 of my classes left that require work and 3 that are basically finished.

I really hate feeling like this. I just commented on a friend's blog how I am trying to "live in the moment" and here I am writing a post about how I can't wait for the next 3 weeks to be over with. Ugh. So anyway, before I get myself depressed, I am getting off here and doing something more productive.

My First Pregnancy Rant

I haven't posted in a while but school has been so crazy. Anyway...I would just like to express my feelings regarding my pregnancy and strangers.

In general, I am very open to advice about pregnancy, birthing, parenting, and other related issues because I am a first time mom and its very scary to realize how blindly we go into likely the most important job of my life.

That being said. Advice from strangers can be really annoying. Take for example my recent trip to the store.

The weather recently has gotten chilly. Not jacket chilly per se, but chilly at least in the mornings. I have been trying to fit into some of my sweaters to combat the 50 degree mornings. I decided that I didnt' like the idea of stretching out all my pre-pregnancy sweaters so I decided to go shopping for a maternity or new, bigger sweater.

After searching ALL the stores in town that sell maternity clothes and some that don't, I was not pleased at the selection of sweaters. Admittedly I am a cheapskate and I don't want to pay $45 for a sweater. So I get home and have a coupon to Fashion Bug in my mailbox.

I am excited because Fashion Bug has alot of plus size clothes, they are usually a season ahead and its right across the street from my house.

So I find a sweater. $30 then I have a $10 off coupon. A price I can totally handle. So I am checking out and the lady at the counter asks if I tried on their new jeans. I politely say, I am pregnant so I really can't wear regular jeans. She looks at me and says:

"Why do you want this sweater then? You won't need it."

I (again politely) explain that in the mornings when I go to work, its pretty chilly and not appropriate to wear a t-shirt. She again says:

"Really, you won't need a sweater, you'll be so hot cause your pregnant, I was sooo hot when I was pregnant"

I just look at her and say, "Yes, so I hear, Can I please pay for my sweater??"

UGH!! Seriously! I mean, I understand that come December and January when I am 8 and 9 months pregnant I probably won't need a heavy coat. But at my current 5 and a half months...I need a sweater DAMN IT!!

I really wanted to let Pregzilla out and yell "JUST LET ME BUY THE DAMN SWEATER!!!!"

Finally she let me buy it, but geesh! Its almost as bad as the looks I get for carrying a starbucks coffee cup (HELLO! They also sell hot chocolate and DECAF!!)

Anyway, I haven't really encountered too much of this so far, but I have a feeling, its only the beginning

:D